you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
