so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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