Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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