the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
