I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Enjoy the penises
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
