is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
someone threw a dead crab at me
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
