I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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