I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
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