Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
There's always time for handjobs
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
