I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
