If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Randomize
