Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We are two peas in an std pod
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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