omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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