remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
