so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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