I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
