My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
