I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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