Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
