does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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