Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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