He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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