you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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