That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize