Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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