I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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