My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.