Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.