Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?