So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
