btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
