he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just found puke in my bra..
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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