Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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