So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize