I just cut my nipple shaving
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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