Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
