At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
