She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
