Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
