Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Please don't give away my fajitas
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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