Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
