hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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