Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
