I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
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she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
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Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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