dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
