i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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