I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
