Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
