Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
