Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
