No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
