Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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