k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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