I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
