you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i've created a new STD.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My feet surprised me
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
