We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I deserve this hangover.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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