watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
